i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
