No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
