Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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