Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
