Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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