She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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