So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
