how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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