I need to stop coming to work sober
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need water and some morals
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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