I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
