the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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