My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
