Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
