Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
