She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
