You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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