Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
