While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
