How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
