he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
