I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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