I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
