PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
