it's too hot outside to masturbate.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
