i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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