i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
