Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
