He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
