I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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