Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
