Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
