When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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