If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
