I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
