im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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