he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
