there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
