Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
