I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
