She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
