Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
