I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
