I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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