Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
