I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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