You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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