I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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