If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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