I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
