she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
